I John 5:4 – “For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith.”
Couple of months ago I posted a blog that mentioned me going through monthly cycles of anger and frustration in my last relationship. Those cycles caused a great deal of stress in that relationship. I’ll be the first to admit to that. At that time, or in the beginning rather, I didn’t know what was going on with me. I could go from 0 to 100 REALLY quick!
After while, I started to pray and ask God to reveal the root of those cycles. I wanted to know why I could not function in this relationship that had the potential to be long term. So, God beckoned me to watch myself…
Using the guy I dated as an instrument for this post, not to discredit him… There were times in our relationship that I wanted him to “notice” the great works I was doing: working all day, keeping a clean home while caring for Abrielle, and still managing enough strength and time to hangout with him at the end of a long day. I was hoping he would tell me “great job” or that he appreciated all I did in a day! When I didn’t get that kind of approval from him INTERNALLY I would get angry. I made myself feel unappreciated.
I asked God why… He responded, “Keep watching”…
There were times that I wanted him around instead of working, hanging with his friends, or even helping around at our church all day. I wanted his UNDIVIDED “attention”. He didn’t know this was the reason I put up such a fuss, but on the inside-I DID. When I didn’t get the attention I wanted, felt like I needed, guess what? Internally, I would get angry. Then eventually when I was so full of negative emotions on the inside, they slowly but surely made their way out. There we were again having an unnecessary argument. After while, he was so clueless as to what was wrong with me that he decided that it be best that we no longer called ourselves an item. I didn’t blame him though. I knew something within me needed to be fixed. Restored.
I asked God why yet again, and finally He revealed to me,
“He doesn’t hold the power to free you. I do. I need, want, you to depend on Me. You’ll never have the relationship you desire trying to love someone from a broken Spirit…”
You know those times I got angry, he didn’t do anything wrong, I was feeling past pain. Yes. Past pain. Can I be transparent? I wished at one point in time my parents would express how proud of me they were. I, at times, would go above and beyond hoping to hear, “DaVarika, we’re proud of you…great job”. Then there were those times where I wished my biological father was there for me. That he cared about me emotionally. I wished that he would show up for basketball and volleyball games. The list could go on. I was so accustomed to being, what I internalized as rejected, I didn’t realize those feelings were being turned into negative emotions, strongholds.
In Jeremiah 32:40B it says, “…I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me.” God has placed a void deep within us, rather we realize it or not. It is easy to try and get people to fill that void, but they don’t hold the power to fill it to completeness. Wholeness.
Colossians 2:10 – “So you also are complete through your union with Christ, Who is the head over every ruler and authority.” NLT
Before I came to Christ, that is all I was on the hunt for – someone to love me past my pain, feelings of my rejection. I finally came to my senses that people don’t have the power to fill a spot they don’t even have access to. Now, daily as I commit to my walk with God alone I ask Him to fill me up like only He can. No longer will I seek approval or attention from people.
My prayer for single mothers, by choice or rejection, is that God will get down to the root of their pain: bitterness, anger, resentment, etc. I pray that He will fill us up with the love that our very soul desires; the love that only He can give that will allow us to accept what He has in-store for our future. I pray against every lie the enemy has implanted into our minds. I pray that God will uproot them and create in us a new mind, the mind of Christ. My prayer is that the Lord will help us to believe everything He has said about us, in-spite of our circumstances. And I pray that we will never forget that our greatest need is for more of Him, rather than for the things of this world. ❤
2 Corinthians 10:4 – “We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments” NLT