“What if your soul purpose was to raise your child(ren), to the best of your ability, so someday they can fulfill their purpose for our King?”
I typed this question into my phone in pure frustration last week. I was telling God all that “I” wanted to do, how “I” wanted to do it, and why “I” wanted to do it. My thoughts were on a rampage with countless dreams and visions that I would like to accomplish. And in the midst of my thought process, the Holy Spirit chimed right in with that question.
I was shocked. Which led to more frustration. And in embarrassment, because I know better, I whispered, “What about me”? I began to think what if that was my soul purpose. Could I be content with that? Could I be content serving God as a mother-doing whatever needed-to train up my daughter in the way she should go? Once again my thoughts were selfish and in a sense negative. I felt as if that meant no marriage in the future, no more kids, so on and so forth. I had to STOP myself and listen… Listen to the response from my Father…
I have been taught that most of the time when the Holy Spirit asks a question, it’s not because He doesn’t know the answer. Rather, the question is being asked to get you to understand where you are.
In the past, before I understood that Christians go through seasons, I often worried about how I would live my life and be a mother. I wanted to do my own thing, but felt like I couldn’t. By own thing I mean playing volleyball/coaching, catching a movie and dinner. Having a baby really altered my life! I was in college, so I had to make my schedule around hers. I can remember, countless number of times I stayed at home, crying, because I felt trapped inside my role as a mother. Knowing there was things I wanted to do, something on the inside of me wouldn’t just let me leave my daughter with anybody. I missed out on a lot, was my mind-frame then.
I Peter 5:6 – “So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time He will life you up in Honor.”
I wrestled and fought with God for so long! I was just frustrated. I was a student-mother, athlete! Whenever I tried to add a job, such as work-study or coaching. Something always came up. Not to mention, trying to date was out of the question! I didn’t want to take my daughter along, and my babysitters were “busy”, so I couldn’t go anywhere!!! LOL just thinking about it. I eventually got tired of the tears, meltdowns, and anxiety attacks. Nothing was changing! I gave up trying to do things my way.
I Corinthians 7:17 – “Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.”
My First Lady would teach us in the women’s ministry to embrace where we “are” and to be faithful in the roles God has us in. As a result, I started embracing my role as a mommy! Instead of being upset about the places Abrielle couldn’t attend with me; I developed a “LET THE CHILD LEAD THE WAY” mentality. I arranged all my activities around her: work, school, and extracurricular activities. I found a career that would allow me to drop her off by 7:00am and pick her up by 5:30pm (or sooner!) everyday. After finishing my undergraduate degree, I started grad school. Majority of my classes were on-line. The class that I had on campus in the evenings ended up being on Tuesdays, which was bible study day! Therefore, a couple of my church friends would allow me to leave her with them until class let out. And instead of being upset that I couldn’t go workout, out-to-eat, or to the movies by myself: SHE WOULD BE MY DATE!!! So for the most part, besides eating, I involved myself in activities she would like to do. I put her in gymnastics, started doing story-time at the library with her, and she was a great workout partner! As I began to embrace my role as a mother, my eyes began to open to a new realm of life as a woman. I had to change my perspective. I had to become a servant…
Romans 12:10 – “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
This really worked for Abrielle and I. Seeing her reaction: more respectful and happier, really made me feel good as a woman, a mother! It wasn’t easy adjusting to this new routine but it worked. Even though I was doing things for her, I got a lot out of it as well. I met a lot of women, through gymnastics and our library time, who inspired and encouraged me along the way. Not to mention, a lot of them weren’t ashamed to give me words of wisdom as it pertains to marriage! I was able to appreciate this route God had me on a little bit more!
Putting myself on the backburner in that particular season of embracing my role as a mother helped me gain a lot of self-discipline. I accepted that me being in God’s boundaries was for the good (Romans 8:28). I accepted that He had some things He was trying to develop in me, so that I could reach this particular point in my life. Times did occur that I felt burnt-out or needed some me time, and being the “ON-TIME” God that He is, one of my church friends would offer to watch her for me so I could have some mommy-time out of the blue!!!
Romans 5:5 – “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into out hearts by the Holy Spirit, Whom He has given us.”
Sacrificing my personal time to cater to my role as a mommy has been one of the most humbling parts of my journey. Often times that question, “What about me?”, has come up; but little by little I learn to deny my wants to fulfill the purpose, or the task, my God would like for me to do. It’s not easy, but it’s on purpose. It also doesn’t mean that my dreams, or my desires, won’t come to pass. He is a faithful God. A loving Father, Who wants the best for His daughter(s). But I know I have to serve, do my part first and foremost. I’ve also heard it put this way:
“When I choose His will over my wants, then my wants will become His will” – Pastor Henry Tolbert